Bipolar Life- The Journal, #1

It began yesterday morning. While discussing some issues with my husband, my stomach began to turn. Slowly, the feeling began to creep into my chest with so much pressure; I was waiting for my heart to burst from the inside out. Without warning, my mind began to take it in and then started to dish it out- every negative I could think of. Try as I might, controlling any part of this anxiety attack was not going to happen.

By the time we reached the Walmart (a store I truly cannot stand) it was affecting so bad, I just wanted to go back home. How did I get here? It has been a long time. And when my sweet husband suggested we buy a gift for someone in our lives struggling, I just burst into tears. The gift, meant to encourage them, I suddenly felt was pointless, and I cried. I cried in Walmart. I barely cry in the bathtub in private, so to cry in the middle of an aisle in Walmart angered me, humiliated and disgusted me. My husband tenderly grabbed my hand and led me to the blenders, because suddenly, I finally remembered what I needed.

Anxiety strikes like that. The feeling of doom settles so deeply in your veins that it crushes you. My stomach took on being the teacups at Disney the rest of the day, my chest lifted weights the rest of the night. My mind refused to shut off. I tried to nap; it lasted less than 30 minutes. I woke today shaking, sweating for no reason, and my throat feels constricted. Though it took me an extra half hour to get out of bed because the fear was overwhelming, I got up. My God is strong and never intimidated by fear, and His loving arms were there. Though I did not want to comb my hair or put makeup on, I did.

This journal is for myself. It serves as a beautiful reminder of what I face head on, and how I will not be a victim to any of it. This life is one that challenges us in many ways, but in any challenge, there is a winner, and in every challenge, that will be me.


<unedited, authentic thoughts>


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