Lost & Found-The Exhausted Beginning

When you have children, your day is often dependent on their needs, their temperament, their health, and every meal, supposedly based on some proper nutritional requirements (hahahaha)…So here I sit, after 25 years of parenting four children, and the last one is nearing 18, I am at a whopping “what now” plateau.

As I await the next year and half to pass, I wonder what the new me will do. I had my first son as a teenager, a young teenager, I have known no life without kids, and I am beginning to wonder what my everyday will look like now.

I have wrapped my entire being into motherhood.  I have many that will tell me I did fine and a couple others that will make me question everything I did at every turn. I had a family that offered support and others that intentionally did not. I had years of being a single mom, then years of learning to be a married mom. I graduated high school, finished college, worked my way into the corporate arena, and then decided to take a couple years to stay home and be a mom I wanted to be.

I re-entered the work force after those years, making some personal choices, which would closely parallel my desires as a family woman. I now work full time, with excellent hours that allow me to cater to my family and home, and just relax when needed.

This is my story. What can we find between the lines? How did I manage the trials of parenthood, and what could I have done different (not because I was a bad mom, but because there is always room for improvement and hind sight is 20/20) Did we combine our families well, did we allow outside interference to put cracks in the foundation we were trying to build?

My son once said, “Mom, the only thing you did wrong was not be strict enough.”

Wow! He is correct. Again, a hind sight issue. If only, if only..if only.

As a woman, a woman who has dealt with bipolar disorder for the better part of her life, I have struggled to balance all the balls of daily living. What I know, is that I am not alone. Even those out there with the disguise of ‘most well put together, organized, and able’, have fought the waves of life. You cannot play pretend forever; eventually the balls come falling down. As I prepare my mind and my heart for the next phase of life, one that doesn’t include school work, football practice, chores, and doing everything I can to teach character, respect, honor and discipline, to name a few, I also give thanks.

While I taught those life lessons (even if they did not stick), I was actively participating in a new life, a new contribution in this world. I am thankful that no matter what my age when I started the momma journey, God trusted me and led me through each tunnel, up every mountain, down every hill and around every blind corner. He listened while I ranted, caught every tear, laughed along with every laugh, and answered many, many prayers along the way.

Without God, where would we be? How would a mom get through? We are certainly battle outside elements, and I know, at least for me, the boxing gloves are getting heavy; my mind is tiring of trying to figure things out, and my legs feel exhausted from running and stumbling! Without God’s always present help in these times, I would have been crushed years ago, and as broken as fine china hitting concrete!  Whatever the future holds, I know I am capable, because I have made it through this!


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