How does one begin a letter to evil? What courage will it take, and what words does she say? I sat down with this in mind, but no words prepared.
Here it goes..
My life has gone on. I assume you had a goal to force your evil into me. You failed. I have not referred to you as human in a long time, but the truth is you are human. You have little similarities to most of the humans I know, but you are one. I have called you a monster, a sick and twisted monster. I realize you would more than likely take some sort of sick pleasure in that, so I will stick with evil or human for now.
While my life went on, it was nearly ended multiple times. Hate for you filtered into hate for myself, and looking in the mirror became unbearable. For years I sat wrapped in a past that you forced me in to. I had broken away from your prison of abuse, but quickly erected a prison of shame. Shame that should be yours. The disgusting smell that permeated in and through you haunted me for a long time. The piercing evil eyes woke me from a dead sleep. Every sound outside my door sent a panic up my spine. Tall and thin men disgusted me. You haunted me for a long time.
It took years to move past your presence in my life, but eventually I moved. What you thought would hold me captive for life, was never that strong. Your evil was weak and powerless against the power of God. Do you remember Him? You used to drive us to church, force us to sit there, then go home and abuse innocent children. Beating your son into submission, molesting me into fear. I may never have wrote those two words before- molesting me. Why were you at church? If I could ask one question, that may be it. Did it occur to you that God was there? Did you step into His house just to spit in his face as you mocked His love?
I remember nights the most. That is when you chose to let your evil out. As you know, by day you were the all mighty president of a motorcycle club, and at night you were the stalker of little children. Years later I realized how weak you were in your need for power. Those men circled around you like some king on a throne, doing what you said, when you said to do it. It was pathetic. Evil has a way of distorting the truth and enticing humans in. I can only pray they all grew past their own weakness and fear to stand alone. By now, they surely know the evil they were following. Who knows, maybe it was exactly who they wanted to be. I will never understand the loyalty to you.
Back to my nights…
You probably thought you had some control over me. In fact, you never did. God was with me all those years, and when you entered my room, my body was there, but my spirit was not. The fear that paralyzed my body was the catalyst to my escape. What you did was pathetic. After all these years, it can only be assumed you were an abuser because you were once abused. I used to think it would be comforting to have that confirmed, but it no longer matters. My comfort comes from Jesus Christ in knowing what you did is known by God above.
You have no power here. Your threats no longer ring through my ears. Your sick tales from the war bring about prayer for your other victims across the sea, not fear of you. I am a grown woman of God, and you have nothing, no place, in my life. I am free. The paralysis I went through either at night in my room or when you would show up at my apartment and knock for hours, is gone. I am an active believer in God. I am shielded by the King of Kings as I stand tall as a warrior on the front lines. What you intended to kill, lives boldly and fearless, for I was wonderfully made. Evil has no hold in my life.
You terrorized females all around you. Your own daughters, your niece, neighbor’s children, and probably others out there. You got away with your evil in my life, for that is my regret. The fear overcame my child mind. It should never have been up to me. Your control oozed like lava through the minds of all those around you back then, but it never will again.
Have you confessed your sins to God? Have you accepted Jesus as your Lord and Savior? I forgave your sins against me long ago. I did this for me to release the evil that temporarily broke me. In helping myself to live, it was imperative to let it go. I am not a child of this world who holds contempt and anger against evil. While it seems justified, it is not the way of God, and I strive to make his ways my ways. It takes great strength and courage, but that is who God made me to be- strong and courageous.
You have few years left in this world and your time is running short. If you have not confessed your sins, believed and accepted Jesus into your heart, and came out of the waters of baptism, do it now. I have no desire to dance alongside you in heaven, but I have no right to deny you the opportunity to be there. For God’s love is greater than we can ever comprehend, and every soul saved is His cry. Our Lord prepared a place long ago, but always knew hell would never close it’s gates.
May your days be filled with peace in Jesus Christ, if you so choose to follow him. May your nightmares be released, and your abuser have made their peace with God. God knows all and sees all, your judgement is not for me to decide, I will have my own.
Know this. In my forgiveness of you and God’s forgiveness of me, His mercy gave me life, and I lived it well.
From the innocent child you abused to a Warrior for the Kingdom.