I’m sitting in the pedi chair, the aches are intense and affecting my chest. I keep sweating from the intensity. I feel this from my head to my toes, like I ran a marathon yesterday I didn’t train for. Today, I pay the price.
This is fibromyalgia.
It is relentless. The warnings have been here for a couple weeks, and today the flare up is real. I fought to get out of bed. I sat in a long, hot shower hoping the cascade of water would bring relief. It did not. I have little make-up on, and put a comb through my hair but that is it. Girl, I still look good. What these people sitting next to me don’t know,
I am a warrior!
For years, this has been my normal. I go months symptom free, then Bam! It hits overnight. It is hard to explain, even harder to understand. The ache is similar to the flu, with even your fingers hurting. The chest part is new to me. I came close to driving to the hospital. Is this a heart attack? I’m still sitting here, forcing myself to get this pedicure. It will not be a relaxing experience today. If I can do this, I will have accomplished something, and that will be another win for me.
Life dealing with chronic issues sucks. Migraines, fibro, they tend to dictate to me at times. My mood, my energy, my concentration, my emotions. I fight though. I fight to keep going, to get up each day and go to work, maintain my house, and be present in the lives of those around me.
There are days I retreat. I pull away into the safety of my own being. I understand myself. I used to condemn me. No one else had to. I felt lazy and weak. I had no ambition or desire to speak or move. I was pissed and confused. Those days are behind me.
It is ok to not be ok. I do what I can, and the rest will wait. I am excused from the guilt. (She has started my massage, and it hurts. I probably should have waited.) But waiting is frustrating and then begins to affect my mind. Perhaps I’m stubborn, or stupid. In my world, I am simply determined.
Determined to carry on and do what I want to do. This sweet lady just asked if it’s relaxing. “Yes, it sure is.” I lie. There is no relaxing during a flare up, though I try. The pain will make it impossible. It will pass. Eventually.
This is a day in the life of a fibro flare up. This is a good day, too.