Bipolar Life- The Journal #32

The week wore on like most holiday weeks. Something about that extra day keeps everything a bit off. I am fine with that, because the preceding weekend felt like a week long vacation. I enjoyed every second. I dealt with sadness, but the weekend was a good one.

Lately I have studied the reflection in the mirror and wondered what comes next. Unfortunately I cannot see past today. Only a few years ago I was filled with goals and dreams and this robust flare for creativity. As it goes, we cannot turn back time. If I want to recreate that exciting person I once was, it will require will power and a mindful determination.

Therefore, as I ponder that reflection, I must begin to see a new face. The one I have been staring at looks tired. The worry has left evidence behind, the smile has disappeared. With so much to be thankful for, I ask, “what the hell is wrong with you?”

She never answers.

I rarely use profanity of any kind. Getting to this point is embarrassing. However, in being authentic and keeping it real, it is what it is. The invisible hands of life have pushed to far, it is time to fight back.

I am exhausted of so much. The tiresome games did me in long ago. From the set ups to the set backs, it is over. I release the turmoil and dysfunction. I watch the heart aches float away. I roll the disappointment right off and over the embankment I’ve been standing on for months

I have little trust in others, but the One I trust is here. The gentle whisper repeats in my ear, “You’re not alone. I am always here.” The peaceful presence of a foundation made from Christ settles the inner turbulence. There are no tears, but if there were, He’d catch each one. This is my life. I may be dodging the life out there, but I remain steady in my own.

Dear Jesus,

You overwhelm my soul. The battle belongs to you. The beautiful reflection is one I embrace as a daughter of the King. You are mighty and true. You listen, you lift, you encourage, and you awaken. I choose You all the days of my life. In the darkest moments, you shine next to me, as you guide me back to the light. In those difficult moments that I am unrecognizable, you know my name. You always knew my name. The day I enter your kingdom, you will know my name. You are enough. My trust is in you, Lord.

Your faithful servant,


<authentic, unedited>


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