Holy cow- #30 is here!
I have worked hard to stay engaged and use this space to empty myself of life. If I can unload a little at a time, I often feel refreshed and invigorated. Saying something here often opens my mind to a new perspective and releases the junk taking up space in the center of my being.
“What junk” you ask..
Last night the fatigue crashed me again. It was a rough week with this problem. With no ability to fight, my eyes clamped shut every single afternoon around 6:00 pm. No vice could pry them open. Added to the battle last night was chest pain. I could feel it clenching the muscles, and I repeated (in my sleep) I was having chest pain, but nothing could open those eyes. I cried out a half dozen times. My husband hollared back and asked if my heart hurt; I sleepily responded, “Yes.”
Anxiety is closing in like a wolf in the night. The illness is keenly aware of my current state, and like the hunter it is, is preparing to attack. I hate anxiety. Additionally, I hate not being prepared to ward it off. Until it hits, I am a sitting duck floating through my business. Once it arrives, I am on the defense and the fight can carry on for weeks or months.
This is my reality. Stress is escalating every day as I prepare to say goodbye to my grandkids. I am on hyper mode so I can maintain my thoughts in a positive direction. The trouble is focusing ahead and not dwelling on what is behind. A year of crap is what’s behind. My only joy, two beautiful children who set the example in love and forgiveness.
So forgive me, (this may be more to myself) for possibly being away. This time might be reserved for rest and closure. Whether or not the words come, the reality will. Though I will probably see these kids within days, there is a grief in knowing they won’t be here for school Tuesday morning. The rushing and morning chaos will come to an end. Living in my car as we go to school, work, doctors, Dairy Queen, parents, church, and repeat, will be missed.
I told myself and others over and over how special this time was. Not many grandparents build relationships with their grandchildren as I have over this past year. I saw music programs, attended field trips, enjoyed parent nights and field day, and it was a gift. I am ready to be nanny again, I was born for this role! But don’t think it’s easy to step back and just be nanny again.