Tomorrow is Mother’s Day and I sit here tonight contemplating all the years I have been a mother. Most of my life to be honest. I became a mother at a very young age, due in part to the onset of Bipolar. I remember the mania that struck me then as if it was yesterday. I have been blessed in that only a couple times in my life have I dealt with that sort of manic behavior since. Each time leaves a trail of devastation, ending with severe depression and consequences. I shudder at the memories. It is difficult to celebrate on Mother’s Day when you live with the guilt of being a Bipolar mother.
I often get depressed considering the mother I was. If I could wish for one thing, it would be a redo with the knowledge I have now. I love my children more than anything, but they suffered with the effects of undiagnosed Bipolar for a long time. My drastic mood swings must have been frightening. They are grown now, my baby is 20 years old. There is no rewind button to transport me to days passed. All I can offer is a better me ahead. I have made that my goal for years now.
I am not fond of celebrating Mother’s Day for these reasons. Rather than looking back and remembering the best times, I only see the bad. To be honored on a day meant for moms feels awkward to me. There are so many other mothers out there who did their mothering job well, gracefully. I am not one of them. I tried, oh how I tried. I consider the many things I did do and it still seems like not enough. More, I always feel this need to have been more, and this pull to be more now.
It has been typical for me to request being alone on Mother’s Day. This year I will be busy. It is also my daughter’s birthday, so we will visit her, and my son will make dinner for me at his house. I pray to feel well (no migraine), to smile more than frown, to enjoy every minute being a mother. Whether or not I was ever good at it, God gave me beautiful children and for that I am eternally thankful. It was a gift I never deserved, but one I will cherish forever.
To all the mothers out there, I wish you a Happy Mother’s Day. You are enough. (in case you didn’t know that)