Bipolar Life-The Journal #26

I fight to win.

I have fought my entire life. I was born with pneumonia, and 45 years ago, I am sure that required fight in me to survive. By the tender age of 5 or 6 (my guess, as memories are fuzzy) I fought against the hand of evil through sexual abuse. I fought that one for the next decade or so. Even in my 20’s, I fought when evil showed up at my apartment door. I never use his name, evil will suffice.

I fought myself a time or two as well. As my mind raced through puberty, and life became more than I could bare, I fought to stay sane. I fought suicidal thoughts and actions, I fought hating myself. When Bipolar finally hit, I fought the mania, until I stopped fighting anyhow.

There were years I evaporated completely. I gave in, I laid down who I wanted to be and caved in to the other side, the side I wanted dead. I think the exhaustion of fighting got the best of me. The worthlessness I felt overcame the inner beauty, and I lost. I never liked the person I would become, but back then I didn’t understand what was going on. A true battle of good versus evil existed right there inside my mind. The cartoons of my childhood came true with an angel on one shoulder and devil on the other.

This world has been cruel. I would much rather be home with my Father than to walk in this muck. I have waited to catch a break, but that doesn’t seem to be my fate. I once read God gives his greatest battles to his strongest warriors. Is that what I am, a warrior? Are these constant battles mine to be stronger? I find it odd that I would be picked as a warrior. I feel like a mouse these days.

Still, as a mouse, I find myself fighting. The feet move slower than they used to.
The fight comes whether or not I ask it too. The older I get, the less punch I seem to have. The strength of my youth is fading, and restlessness invades. The moment I take a breath and breathe in the sweet aroma of content, the harsh scent of another battle rushes my senses.

I have to keep my thoughts in check to stay positive and calm, this too deflates me. It takes energy to stay ahead of negative thinking. Where will the energy for tomorrow come from? Only God knows, as only God provides. Even on my worst day, He never lets me down.

<unedited, authentic>


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