After the chaos settles, there is a deafening silence. The zombie like state I’m in is rough. I have no words, so I sleep. I’m not sure if this is depression or catching up on much needed rest. Maybe it is a little of both.
I don’t want to make decisions that fail. I wish more than anything to look ahead and know all will be ok, life will go on in peace and harmony, not perfection. We will work together as a family, we will help one another and love unconditionally. We will encompass a direction toward honesty and transparency. One day, we will look back and sigh with relief that hard times are a thing of the past.
I want peace for all, but am unable to find it for myself.
My thoughts betray me most days, and it is upsetting. I pride myself on my ability to control my thoughts. Why now?
Why Lord, am I lost in this mess?
My biggest issue is bitterness. I feel it eating away at my heart. The last few years have left me uncomfortable in my own skin. I fight the barbs that ensnare me in my feelings. Unlike most of the world, I do not put everything into how I feel about something. I learned long ago how I feel about something has nothing to do with the facts, or outcome. Feelings get in the way of logic and resolution. They keep us wrapped in emotion and unmoving toward healing.
This bitterness though. It tastes like the blackest licorice. It smells just as bad. I loathe the hold it has on me, still, the grip is unbreakable. I am wasting time in this. I want out for good.
The first step came today, admitting my weakness, the bitter state of my heart. We cannot resolve what we won’t admit. The Bible calls this confessing.
1 John 1:9
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
Is bitterness a sin? Yes it is. We are told to get rid of it, along with anger, resentment, and revenge. Living in these feelings means we’ve left behind love and forgiveness. That’s not the life God calls us to live. We cannot put feelings ahead of God.
Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
What comes next? Every day I have to choose to forgive the offense. You only stay bitter if you choose to. In this case, it is one person, two issues, and one hurt soul. A person who has no idea the pain they’ve caused me. If they know, they have not apologized or acknowledged it. Every time I think I moved on, it festers itself to life. The only one trapped is me, and I’ve worked hard to never be trapped again.
The work starts now. If I can’t beat this, it will consume me. The only one I want consuming is the Holy Spirit.
Time to work it out.
Stay tuned ..