Bipolar Life- The Journal #29

<unedited, authentic>

I sat at my desk yesterday busy with Monday madness, when without warning tears began to fall from my eyes. I felt a panic in my chest I know as anxiety. For a brief moment, I was unsure what to do with my emotions. “Where is this coming from?” I asked my silent self. It came from the sorrow I held in for a long time, fear I do not want to admit, and pain I refused to release.

I blinked back the obvious, and regained my composure. I was stunned at the sudden display. It’s not my typical way. Most days I wade in and out of my work without revealing much about my heart or feelings.

The day is fast arriving, and these two apples of mine (grandchildren) will return to live with their momma. Something struck me in the moment yesterday, and out came the reaction. I love these two with all my being. To not have them here is going to be a change. Some minutes I’m prepared, others, clearly I have some preparation to do. They won’t be far, and I will probably see them weekly. Still, my heart hurts.

I know my sadness is expected. I certainly have no intention of raising kids all over again. Though, I would if needed. I go to bed tucking them in, and wake up to gently watch their sleepy eyes open. Our routines will be missed. The quiet from no more laughter will be eerie. Even the toys forgotten and left around the house will be missed. This transition is a hard one.

I can only pray the strength of my Savior will get me through. The days are about to get long, the nights filled with emptiness. As tired as I was, they energized my life. They energized my very soul. I became a better person as I fought through the challenges of this year. Who I am today is very different than who I was then. I learned abundantly from each one. My lessons reminded me that our life is filled with wisdom education. It never ends.

I pray the love I shared stays with them forever; every talk, hug, kiss, even discipline is something they never forget. Above all, I pray this time helped them grow positively in every area of their life. We all have unique opportunities to impact a life. That one truth kept me going, and made it all seem urgent.

They keep telling me how much they love me. They thanked me for taking such good care of them, reminding me of all the ways I did that. Oddly, I feel embarrassed by their kind words, and it is hard to respond. If only I had every perfect word. But we never do, because there are no perfect people here. We say what we can in the moment and hope it is enough.

The coming days frighten me. This is life. Whether I like it or not, this is life.

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