Closure Matters

Oh, the fatigue.

Addiction has been the single most exhausting evil of my life. It’s a condition that manipulates, lies, extorts, and runs. It leaves a trail of devastation, desires complete secrecy, yet publicly displays itself for all to see.

Years ago, I began to share my story of living with loved ones lost in addiction to help others feel understood and less alone. I knew there was a need because parents everywhere are sinking under the weight of responsibility to save their loved ones. The disconnect in belief we had control baffled me in my own life and theirs.

To combat the anguish, I shared my story of dealing with the consequences of their addiction. Unfortunately, the details are dark and sad. There is nothing in addiction that brings light or joy! Those elements arise in recovery.

While I didn’t create the chaos I write about, it impacted me. Intentional or not, the residual effects of bad choices are my story, too. The side effects of substance use wore me down. Every day was a circus that I never bought a ticket to attend.

Yes, addiction overlaps lives- on one side is the person using drugs and alcohol, and on the other is everyone else who is affected. What’s worse is being a victim of your own thoughts and actions, questioning everything you do as a parent, and feeling a sense of failure for their devastating choices.

There is no win in addiction.

I chose to expose the truth of what this life looks like for parents. It’s ugly and embarrassing. My focus remains on me and how I felt through this journey. I’ve been accused of seeking validation when I sought support. There’s also an accusation that I want to be ‘right’ when all I do is reflect on every decision I’ve made.

This is the reality of our societal failure. Drug use became the norm; it was only a matter of time before abuse followed. Families hid their reality for decades. Pretending did no one any favors. From generation to generation, addiction moved like fire. In its path, it burned the truth of what families endured and locked away their lived experiences.

I refuse to let that happen. I deserve the release and the freedom. Hiding the facts and holding it all in only hurts me. Addiction shatters families. Children are abandoned and left with bitterness, anger, and fear. The distance created by someone living enslaved to drugs feels unreachable. Closing the gap of distrust is challenging. I’m not sure it’s ever fully done.

I’ve heard I’m sorry a thousand times as we rinse and repeat. Are you ever sorry when the cycle continues? No. There cannot be closure in a situation that remains the same year after year. The argument of accepting bad behavior done in addiction will never be acceptable to me. My loved ones clarified they knew exactly what they were doing as they fell further into their mess.

These are truths of my life and stories of my heart. I am not capable of hiding behind closed doors. I understand that many of you carry guilt or shame about your experiences, but I want you to know you are not alone. I refuse to keep the secrets that deeply impacted my life. I will never need validation from others; I have it within myself where God lives. Sharing this can help others feel less isolated and more supported in their healing journey.

So, for those who think they see me, you are still blinded. I left the drama, filth, and disgrace long ago. As I look back, there are regrets, but not what you think. I regret tethering to addiction. I regret turning my back on God as I helplessly chased after those who ran. I regret not opening my mind to understand addiction sooner.

Satan uses the world to combat God’s purpose and will for our lives. He uses disruption to shake our relationship with the Lord. He placed me in the center of a disorder I never had and laughed as I ran circles to save someone who refused to save themself.

It’s all behind me now. The closure I found came in my healing, which involved forgiving myself and trusting God’s plan. I am not perfect. I apologized for my shortcomings years ago. I do not need to do it again, as I didn’t repeat those failures. Sharing how healing unfolded for me can inspire hope and provide a pathway for others seeking recovery. And for the many decisions I made out of fear and concern, I make no apologies. For the choices I made at the end of addiction’s hold on my life, I cheer and shout. God led me out of the maze.

Those on the other side of the addiction story will never comprehend what we went through on this side. We won’t understand what you went through, either. I don’t want to. I write small details, but your experience is far wider and darker. In that, I have no doubt. I will never minimize your experience in the shadows of your life.

May today be the day I let the accusations go, and never pick them back up again. They are at the feet of Jesus, the Defender of my Faith. He has seen my heart through this entire ordeal, and only He knows. He has blessed me abundantly through the healing process. My recovery is complete. I revisit the things that brought me here now and then, but I never park in the pain. I never will.

Addiction will never hold me captive again, not in the beginning, middle, or end. I choose Jesus, and nothing comes before Him.

May God Bless the Journey ahead!

Lisa.