Enabling. Co-Dependency. Rock Bottom. Tough Love.
We often hear these terms on the rocky road of family addiction. They come from other family members who are not directly impacted, medical professionals, and even other parents in the same fight. Often, moms and dads feel defeated, ostracized, and cower behind closed doors through overwhelming judgment when they hear these words.
In my long-term journey through family addiction, they all hold some truth, and I don’t fear the truth. I reflect on my actions, connecting them to the facts, all without shame or guilt. Frankly, if someone judges me based on another’s life choices, even my own kid, I could care less. Managing my health, decisions, and reactions in the center of this chaos has been one of the most significant challenges of my life. Addiction encouraged my impossible obsession- to save someone against their will and try to control something I could never control.
We ask not to be labeled as enablers. However, I concede the reality- I’ve made choices as a fearful mother who helped addiction by handing over money, paying bills after their money was used for drugs, and making excuses when I knew the truth. The reality was- I assisted addiction (enabling). My actions could have very well provided the final high. That’s the fact. I couldn’t have lived with that myself.
It hurts deeply to hold boundaries that go against what my momma’s heart says and what addiction desires- which is control of my life along with my loved one. I jumped when addiction said jump and became mentally obsessed with the impossible task of saving my children. I sacrificed my own needs for theirs.
So, yes, co-dependency existed in my life. However, in acknowledging this, I regained control, and that was a liberating moment.
I had to experience tough love to gain myself once again. Tough love was not an expectation to change their behavior; it helped to change my own. We reach the concept of tough love or strict boundaries on our actions to change ‘our’ behavior when we move into the recovery of our lives and realize the role we played. Here, we find another theme in control. We are attempting to manage our loved one’s choices and consequences in hopes of saving them. I must disagree with the popular definition of ‘tough love.’ It isn’t loving them in the hope that they change; it’s loving myself enough to surrender and hand my entire being back to God. Letting go is, in fact, a challenging and brutal process.
Let’s talk about rock bottom. My son admitted to hitting ‘his’ rock bottom- a place he found after “falling through one trap door after another and then choosing to climb out.” (His words) I didn’t let him go to that place. He decided he was there and chose to help himself.
He’s been working through recovery for over three years now- his rock bottom was simply the lowest place he allowed himself to land. I’m very proud he recognizes that and chooses not to return. It is a destination he’d like to avoid. While his travel through recovery hasn’t been perfect, he’s never returned to the darkest places in his mind. His journey is a testament to the power of God and the hope it brings through the recovery process.
I found I was most supportive when I was honest- about the severity of their condition and the severity of my mental attachment, fear, anger, loss, and living grief. I was able to support others when I accepted that every parent has their journey and way of handling their child’s addiction crisis. I never judge those who do this differently than I do. Why would I? We are all holding on by a thread and trying to weave a rope as we navigate one scenario after another.
All the methods in the world, from personal therapy to intervention to guided support groups, don’t point to the answer. If one way were perfect, we’d not have this crisis. If love could cure it, people wouldn’t be dying every single day. If anything we could or couldn’t do were the answer, we wouldn’t be here right now. Each family has their unique way of handling their child’s disorder, and it’s important to remember that there’s no one-size-fits-all solution. The shaming of how others get through this needs to stop.
We grow stronger when we accept that there will be pain associated with every decision we make and every compulsive thought they follow. There is no way to walk this journey without hurting. If we root ourselves in the Word of God, stay vigilant about our spiritual and mental health, and remain consistent in our resolve, then Jesus will provide the comfort we need to carry on, and His love will build our strength through the journey.
There should be no shame in managing the impossible situation of working through addiction. Please refrain from dwelling on how society perceives our actions. They are blessed to never truly understand. Stay focused on how you survive. That’s what matters.
Thank you for visiting, and I look forward to seeing you soon.
❤️Lisa
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