They are adults now. One has been in jail or prison for ten years off and on. One has been fighting alcoholism for a few years, there was some prescription medication in there, too. One thinks everyone in the world should use pot, that it’s normal and no different than drinking water.
I sit here with worry that makes me sick to my stomach. I wake up in the middle of the night with fear in the center of my being. If my phone rings, I feel a little buzz in my chest we call ‘anxiety,’ if my phone doesn’t ring, I experience the same thing. When I can’t reach one of them, or don’t hear back, I sit for hours staring and praying they are okay.
Choose to Carry On
And I keep going, I keep living, just as soon as I can breathe.
A part of me is missing- the part that should be planning for post parenthood, traveling, getting to know my husband all over again as we begin a chapter in life we’ve never lived. But I can’t find her. She’s lost in the chaos and clutter she never created. She fears moving out of the shadows of my heart, she’s been safe there, so I don’t blame her. However, if she’s choosing to remain locked away, and if I continue unable to move forward without her, then eventually, we must collide somewhere in the middle.
This is my story.
I know it’s not unique; there are many out there in the same boat as myself. I pray you are doing better than I am. I spend so much time hiding my truth that I sometimes forget it as my reality.
The one hiding in the shadows, she doesn’t hide because she is brave or scared. She hides because it is the only place she can safely dream and look ahead. The day we meet will be a gorgeous day.
Positive thought: my oldest son is doing life well!
Authentic Truths 
Posting these words was an act of courage, Lisa. Kudos! Praying you’ll be able to separate your responsibility from their ownership as AL-Anon teaches. Our mother hearts will be attached to our adult children their entire lives, so it’s normal and healthy to want them to do well. Praying you find liberty in Christ and not waste your future. Carpe diem, sister! The enemy wants you to squander it, lost in the shadows and chaos (your words) but God has Jeremiah 29:11 plans for your next season of life. What will you choose?
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Thank you Kathryne. Beautiful note you left! One day at a time.
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. ” I spend so much time hiding my truth that I sometimes forget it as my reality.” Living under the radar is exhausting. We do it for many reasons. But acknowledging what we are battling is liberating. Ann Vos Kamp says that the abundance happens in the brokenness. I believe it. Praying for you in this hard place. Your life is bigger than this slice. May your eyes be opened to God’s redemptive hand moving here.
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Wish there was a heart on this like fb, I love your comment! Thank you.
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