Authentic Truths- A Dreamers Rant

I am finally wrapping my mind around 2020. As a child, it was an unattainable time in the future. Now, we sit in it. My personal darkness shrouded the New Year, so the overthinking, plans, and reflection begin now.

I had dreams of living back in Florida by now. Being surrounded by lush greenery, a stone’s throw away from the beach has filled me with anticipation for years. We moved back to Colorado ten years ago. My permanent frown embedded itself and rarely disappears. I never desired to live again in this overcrowded and overpriced state. I miss the gentle peace of my past life.

I ‘found’ myself in Florida. That silly cliche never appealed to me until I could relate. I fell in love with my soul in the few years we were blessed to live there. As we drove east, the Colorado border presented a perfect place to drop the baggage of a sad life. I entered a new life as we discovered our new home. More importantly, I found peace.

I work to keep that cherished gift present. As life rolls through and bombards us with stress, pain, disappointment, or uncertainty, it is crucial to know harmony. We never consider it when things are easy going. But when the hard enters in, it brings internal chaos.

We had a lovely home, and it included a pool with a fountain that sprayed over the top. The constant sound of a waterfall filled our space. I kept our oversized sliding doors opened wide to hear the rushing water as often as possible. Whether I was floating in the pool or laying poolside, I loved that sound. Reading my Bible outside was a sanctuary for me.

My husband recently completed our fountain here at this house to replicate this for me. I spent time just sitting out there this past summer. I appreciate he would do all the hard work to build this for me.

However, I didn’t experience peace because of the location. I encountered Jesus in surprising ways, and that covered me through hardships. I lost that along the way. Today, I ask how. Did I drive west heading back to Colorado and leave Him at the border? Did life interfere so severely over these ten years that I am lost somewhere outside the realm of peace? I lost hope with each passing year.

That brings me to the question, where have I placed Jesus? He is still here, but the place where he should be is occupied with the junk of this world.

So as 2020 begins to take shape, I make it my goal to reorganize the closet of my heart. To remove the junk and replace it with soul materials of Christ. I am not living a life for God, right now. Saying it and doing it are two different things. No one can make this change but me.

I lost myself somewhere on the road between Florida and Colorado. It is time to find me again. We will spend our lifetime finding ourselves over and over as we march on. Things change, and we evolve, grow, and see the world with different lenses. If we don’t allow ourselves to embrace the truth that we are not the same, we eventually get lost. It is ok that I am different today, it is not ok that I am lost.


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