Without loyalty and respect in the center of all actions, you are not practicing self-reliance or independence. Without those essential parts, you are practicing selfishness.
In the back of it all is the fear whispering, "Am I good enough?"
I get it now. Life is a constant flow of energy. We breathe in God's love, and we pass it on to others. The endless waterfall is fueled by Him and not by us.
Then, she guessed my age, "What are you, almost 40?" (Bless her little heart!)
"Well, a bit past 40."
"Oh, then, it's time. Isn't it fun. Once you hit 40, things go downhill."
I don't want to be this person. This early aging woman. I don't know how to change this trajectory, or how to embrace it.
I found peace through this challenging phase of life. I'm amazed at the level of peace I achieved. The term 'pressing into Jesus' took on an intentional meaning in my life.
Where was the good in abuse for over a decade as a child? Where was the good in watching my fiancée collapse from a cerebral hematoma and wake up out of a coma weeks later as though he was seven years old again? What was good about having bipolar disorder? I could keep going, but you get what I am saying. What was good about any of it? NOTHING!
Whatever I may be feeling, or not feeling at this point, is understandable. I give myself permission to sit in the cold of my soul, and pout. I offer myself time to heal, and to find the cinder still burning deep down.