Then, she guessed my age, "What are you, almost 40?" (Bless her little heart!) "Well, a bit past 40." "Oh, then, it's time. Isn't it fun. Once you hit 40, things go downhill."
I don't want to be this person. This early aging woman. I don't know how to change this trajectory, or how to embrace it.
Without loyalty and respect in the center of all actions, you are not practicing self-reliance or independence. Without those essential parts, you are practicing selfishness.
I found peace through this challenging phase of life. I'm amazed at the level of peace I achieved. The term 'pressing into Jesus' took on an intentional meaning in my life.
Where was the good in abuse for over a decade as a child? Where was the good in watching my fiancée collapse from a cerebral hematoma and wake up out of a coma weeks later as though he was seven years old again? What was good about having bipolar disorder? I could keep going, but you get what I am saying. What was good about any of it? NOTHING!
Whatever I may be feeling, or not feeling at this point, is understandable. I give myself permission to sit in the cold of my soul, and pout. I offer myself time to heal, and to find the cinder still burning deep down.