..tonight we know that if the threat of violence lies in one's heart, it is escalated by drugs, not created by them.
Today, I admitted something out loud-I am exhausted. The tug on my heart is more than I can bear. To withstand more of the same is beyond my ability.
For the record, I hate alcohol and I hate drugs.
Addiction destroys relationships. It constructs walls of doubt and will spin one false storyline after another. Loss ushers in an unfamiliar grief cycle.
Pain in addiction.
A mother's journey through a child's addiction.
I was only confident in one thing- that from that point on I would try. I would choose to try to live.
Will I ever pray again? I ponder the deep level of love I once felt, and the superficial floating I now do. Where have I gone? Satan is using the power in another's life to overcome me. I see it, but I have no tools to fight. I am too tired to pick up my accessories in faith and swing. I am weak.
I do this now in hopes that addiction will lose, and the warrior in my daughter will rise and begin to fight back.
I am learning the difference of being the one in peril versus being the family member on the outside looking in- powerless, exhausted, speechless, and scared. Picture me tapping my fingernails against the windowpane of a room I cannot enter, tears pouring down my cheeks, and fear capturing every breath I take.