Psalm 139:11-15 (ESV)
If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,” even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you.
Living in Depression
Depression has haunted me most of my life. The debilitating hopelessness creates a space of seclusion. In that secluded getaway, I sit with eyes closed and unaware of my self induced darkness. It happens when life becomes overwhelming, and my emotions battle to keep up. Even when life is moving at a calm pace, that internal sadness brings me down.
Jesus is light. The very opposite of the dark expression we use to clarify depression. However, if we deny ourselves the chance to open our eyes, we cannot see the light.
“.. even the darkness is not dark to you.”
These are powerful words for those who have a mental illness. When I am bound by bipolar, I fear movement. I cast this unimaginable shadow over myself that darkens with each passing day. I proved this earlier this month when I looked out my office window and noticed the sun. As if I slept through the autumn months, my eyes opened for the first time.
“When did the sun return?” I asked myself.
Since that day, I have experienced an odd reawakening. This bout came after months of turmoil swirling in my life. As I began to drown in circumstance, my eyes closed, my back turned, and my focus shifted. Rather than stay strong in Christ, I ran scared into myself. I don’t see what Jesus sees. Even my darkness is not dark to the Lord. When I see black, he sees white. The illuminating hope of life is a choice.
I can’t promise to remember this moment the next time depression hits. I will pray for it from this day forward. It is a reassuring time as I climb back, eyes open, leaving the darkness behind. Ahead is nothing but beautiful light.