Addiction Sucks-Voices in my Head

I always prayed for God to show me what I needed to know when it came to my kids. What might they need from me emotionally, spiritually, or in any way that would keep them safe and moving in a positive direction?

The first time God responded to my prayers, I was shocked and afraid that He actually does that- you know, respond. People say all the time, “You can’t hear God.” Well, I have to disagree, I have heard him on multiple occasions my friend, and this story here is only the beginning.

My son was in middle school when we began having one problem after another. He was secretive and seemed different. Constantly grounded due to poor choices, and having all material possessions taken away, still we could not reach him. My husband and I had numerous fights over what to do. We did not handle things well I suppose. I wish we had done things different. We probably should have sought help from the professionals. I know pride in one of us prevented that, we also had little knowledge on the resources available to parents in our situation. A great sense of shame also corrupted our good senses.

One morning I woke up and God told me to check my sons room. I heard those words in my heart. With some hesitation, I decided to obey, and I went and began to check his room.

I remember standing there, asking God, “Why am I in here, where do you want me to look, what am I looking for?”

I probably looked silly as I searched the best I could for something I did not know was hiding. When I was done and thought, I was crazy, something inside said “look in the closet, in the pocket of the jacket hanging up.”

I slowly made my way to the closet, the weight of each step exhausting. The reality was I did not want to know. My heart could not take it, so I thought. I searched the pockets cautiously, hoping God was wrong-yes, I literally hoped He, God, was wrong.

In the end, God was right.

There in the pocket, of the jacket hanging up in my son’s closet, was a pipe and a lighter.

Every excuse I could conjure up frantically jumped out of my mouth- it is not his; it is his friends. He has not actually tried it; he just has the pipe here. Then, I began to cry. I cried because I knew this child was so very lost, and I did not know how to help. I cried because it hurt so bad to know we missed this. I cried because in that moment I felt like the biggest failure in the world.

All I could tell God was, “I’m sorry.”

Because at the end of it all, I felt, I failed Him, too. How do we not feel that failure? God entrusts these children to us, it is my responsibility to raise them. The last thing you want to raise them into is drugs or alcohol.
What we want and what we get in life do not always align.

It took a few minutes, but I stopped to thank God that day. I thanked Him for showing me what He needed me to know, even if it tore me to pieces, even if I was scared of what came next. I thanked Him for being faithful through the good and the bad, and I thanked Him for loving my son enough to open our eyes to the truth. We often say, “The truth hurts,” that may be an understatement in some cases. This was only the beginning.

Positive thought- We gain more trust and faith when we remember to thank God first, and react second.

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